My Immortal: A Commentary
by Lamblove
Summary: I know there are a ton of these, but I really wanted to make one. So I bring you, another commentary on the infamous My Immortal!
1. Chapter 1

**Well hello everyone! A few of you may know me from fictionpress but if not, I'm Lamblove (AKA Shira). I've seen a lot of My Immortal parodies, so thank you for clicking on mine! Hopefully, I'll make you laugh...or cry at the sudden drop in intelligence. But anyways, please enjoy! Oh, and I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I own My Immortal. Only my comments.**

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Chapter 1. **(The beginning of the end) **

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(So now "goffik" people have "fangz"? I thought this was wizards, not vampires)**2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(then why even say it?) **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(Raven _helped_ you with the spelling? I'm afraid to know what the original looked like...)** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(Man, your parents really must have hated you)** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(Because all babies are born with a full head of long black hair)** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **(I'd love to, but I sadly have to continue)**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **(Incest much?)**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **(If your teeth are perfect, then your fangs "joke" doesn't make any sense. At all.)**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **(No, really? I never would have guessed.)** and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots **(Does Hot Topic even sell that stuff?)**. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(Sleet...?)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **(Charming.)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? **(No.) **PLZ tell me fangz!

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**Well, there's chapter one of the infamous My Immortal, with some (hopefully) funny commentary. So please, comment rate and review! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go clean my brain. This is Shira, signing off!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello everyone, I'm back! If you're reading this, it means you've actually found my comments interesting enough that you want to read more, so thank you for that! I'll stop now, before I ramble too long XD**

**Once again, I don't own My Immortal, or Harry Potter**

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Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(Really? I thought you'd wake up in the bathtub -_-)** It was snowing and raining again . I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(I just love a bit of blood in the morning, with a cream and two sugars.) ** My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(So she grinned and then opened her eyes? Pretty creepy if you ask me) **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" **(I talked to my brother yesterday. That doesn't mean I like him) **she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" **(Chill out Ebony, it was just a question)**I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(So that's "not liking" him?)**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

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**And that's the end of the chapter. Just a gasp. If you're brain isn't completely mushy, then please comment, rate, and review! This is Shira, signing off!**


	3. Chapter 3

**New chapter time! That is, if I can manage to get through it without slamming my head on my keyboard... I think I'm repeating myself, but I only own my comments.**

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Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **('ljkgrjhnjdngkgn...Please excuse me while I get the keyboard-shaped dent out of my forehead)**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **(This girl has more clothing than I do!)** I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(Well that was extreme...)** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(That didn't stop you in the last few chapters)** I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(I think this has by far been the worst spelled sentence thus far)  
**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **(Is that even a legal number?)** and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(Because drugs are fun!)** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(Obviously not. Everything is spelled right!)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco **(What a great thing to say on a date...NOT)**, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **("Sensitive", "protective", and "mosh-pit" don't even belong in the same universe, let alone three sentences apart.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(She has a blonde face? That's major peroxide man)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **(so now they're stoned _and _drunk!)** and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(Stoned, drunk...and DRIVING?! In a FLYING CAR?! That's not good.)**

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**Well, thanks for reading! I actually had a lot of fun with this chapter. But anyways, please comment, rate, and review! This is Shira, signing off!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello there wonderful readers! My new challenge: how many ways can I say the disclaimer? I do not, nor have I ever, been able to take credit for the wonderful Harry Potter series, and neither can I take credit for this terribly horrible fanfiction. The only things that I may claim as my own are my humorous commentaries.**

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Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(Ebony's real name is Enoby? Plot Twist!)** nut mary su **(Does she not know what a Mary Sue is? Yet she's writing a fanfiv...) ** OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!**(Textbook sign that she is indeed a Mary Sue)** dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(Note to anyone reading: if Ebony/Enoby gets mad at you, wear red contacts)**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **(He's on top of you, and against a tree. Is she like, lying on a dead tree?) **He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **(Whoa there, TMI) **Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(I would say go to sex ed, but then we'd probably get a whole bunch of illegible smut, and I don't want to be the one responsible for that)****  
**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **(How in the world did she manage to spell motherfuckers wrong?)**

It was….Dumbledore!

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**Well, that was...interesting... Anyways, I live for your comments, rates, and reviews, so leave 'em if you've got 'em. This is Shira, signing off!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello wonderful people! You're back, and that's exciting! So I won't keep you waiting any longer, here's a new installment of My Immortal, a Harry Potter fanfic (and I own neither of those).**

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Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(Or the story is just flat-out awful) **Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok **(I've had headaches before, and I can honestly say that I'm most likely asleep if I have a headache, not cursing at students.)** an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(I guess the story is over then.)**

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(Gee, I wonder why.)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(And of course, that fixes everything)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" **(Her name is Enoby. Get it right.) **Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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**That was probably one of the better endings. And honestly, I'm pretty sure that's going to be the only decent ending like, ever. But anyways, I'm doing this late at night when I should be asleep. So comments, rates, and reviews are greatly appreciated. This is Shira, signing off!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'll just cut the chatter and skip straight to the disclaimer. No soy dueño de Harry Potter o My Immortal. I apologize if that's wrong, it's what Google Translate said. But if it _is_ wrong, please let me know and I'll fix it!**

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Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(You said that last time. And you spelled "reviews" wrong both times.)  
**

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(So she put on all that clothing in the last chapter just to go to bed? Honestly, she has more clothing than I do.) **I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk **(Could you be more cliche?)**, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(You were going down his face? What even...?)**and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(Aaaaaaaand there it is, she's disgraced Harry.)** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **(He hasn't even spoken yet.) **He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(Then why even bring it up?)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(He's upset about being called Vampire. Can't blame him for that.)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(In what universe is that funny?)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **(I don' think "roar" is the right word here. Then again, it's spelled right, so I'll leave it be.)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

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**Once again, a horrible ending for Ebony/Enoby. Is it just me, or is Enoby so much more fun to say? Anyways, I live for your comments, rates, and reviews. But for now, this is Shira, signing off!**


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